When I look in the mirror

Hello!!

I have been really beating myself up lately about not posting and not doing vlogs and I am really sorry about that I have missed that. I have been going through a lot in my head. 

I have been getting good results I’m hovering around the 90kg mark not yet getting under and I have had the feeling that something is getting in the way. 

So I realised I needed to write something… please note this is very real and honest and may make some people feel uncomfortable and that is totally understandable. I still think it needs to be shared because I know I’m not the only one.

Remember its about LOVE!

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I used to look in the mirror and totally despise what I saw… I could not think about myself without hate in my heart. I hated everything about myself.

I have looked in the mirror and cut myself, I even spat at the mirror once because I just hated what was staring back at me.

I have abused my body in so many ways… with physical harm, toxic thoughts the type you would even think about your worst enemy. I have hurt my body with alcohol, drugs and food. This is nothing new, I know that there are so many people that have been down that path and are still there. It is a battle that a lot of us have been through. I say battle because it is a war that you fight every day… though now it is getting easier and easier to win.

I can’t remember ever looking in the mirror and liking what I saw. I can only remember having different levels of hatred. I started to gain weight as a child around 8-10 years old so from the time I started to be self aware I hated myself – what I looked like and therefore who I was. Even as an adult it is hard to separate these thoughts in my mind. Who I am and what I look like are technically two separate things but that’s not what it feels like.

I have come a long way I don’t physically harm myself and I have no desire to. I don’t abuse my body with alcohol or drugs and I don’t want to. I don’t abuse my body with food to the extent that I no longer binge and purge I also don’t want to eat food that doesn’t help my body. I have days where the food isn’t as nurturing but it isn’t out of hatred for my body it is the draw to the food.

The main point is that I do not desire to hurt my body, I desire to nurture it and build it and treat it the way it deserves to be treated.

One main thing I have learnt in my journey over the last 6 years is that our bodies are amazing creations, they can withstand so much and when they are treated right they can heal themselves at such a rapid rate.  

I have also been able to release myself from the guilt that can be associated with food and exercise. I do not feel guilty when I eat too much or eat less nutritious food. I may feel physically sick and I probably don’t want to eat that way again but I do not feel guilty for the most part I don’t even regret it because I had fun while I was eating it and I learn each time I do something that I don’t want to do again. I don’t then say “oh crap now I have to do a hour more at the gym” I know it doesn’t work that way. I can’t eat a muffin and then burn off just that muffin. That is nuts!

So where am I at now?

I look in the mirror and I still don’t like everything I see. I don’t hate myself and I don’t hate the way I look, I just don’t love it yet. I like parts of what I see in the mirror and I try not to say bad things about the parts I don’t like, I just skip them. If I have a training session where I feel like my body is weaker than normal I don’t get angry at myself anymore. I simply say “today my body needs to chill a bit and I’m totally ok with that.”

Recently I had about a week or two weeks where my heart rate was just not getting that high and I felt like I wasn’t training as hard as I should have and I got frustrated but then I was reminded that everything in life happens in cycles… my body is no different.

I am starting to understand that who I am and what I look like aren’t the same thing. I struggle to love myself even though I know I need to improve lots of things. I love the people in my life, and they aren’t perfect but I can’t seem to switch that to myself yet. I see my family and friends for who they are and they are great, and none of them are perfect.

I am afraid that I will never love myself or accept myself for who I am, I honestly don’t know what that looks or feels like. I have heard a couple of women talk about what they love about themselves and it makes me very uncomfortable… and that scares me.

So I know that I have come a long way, I have gone from being very negative to at least a little bit positive… which is exciting. I have a long way to go and it is very foreign to me but I will get there. My body has experienced a lot of hate and it deserves to start feeling some love.

…SBK